


Get rich FAST, goldigging but in reverse

by Smol_mushroom



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bro dies as a plot device, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, i can and i will make dave the point of the joke, slow updates bc i forget this exist, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-06-27 22:36:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19799146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smol_mushroom/pseuds/Smol_mushroom
Summary: Dave wakes up one morning finding that his father has died and has left him literally all the money, ALL of it, Holy Shit. The only thing is that he has to be married before 25  for him to actually get the money.How hard can it be for someone like him to get married? ehhhh, its complicated.





	1. what do i have to do to get some MATRIMONY up in here?

**Author's Note:**

> i had a terrible idea like a month ago so now im making it a reality yall r fucking welcome

Dave wakes up in the morning and immediately checks his phone for Twitter notifications, even before he brushes his teeth like a good member of society. It's not until he's halfway through a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and apple juice when he checks his email and he finally knows that his brother is dead.

He chokes on his cereal.

Then he realizes that Dirk isn't his actual brother and that the email probably just means Bro.

This time he doesn't choke because he's taking a sip of juice and choking on it would be a waste of juice.

“Holy shit my bastard of a father is dead." He reads the email again and yes, there it is, in bold letters, his full name and everything. He doesn't dare read it out loud in case the bastard goes and haunts him for calling him anything but, "bro." The email is formal and gives condolences from bro's lawyer, but is also straight to the point: he's the only one written on the will, and he has to take care of the paperwork that entails, which means Bro is still a dick even from beyond the grave. Which doesn't surprise him at all.

“Holy shit.”

He calls Dirk to tell him the news and also asks for advice on what to do because he hates paperwork and talking to lawyers or people in general. Dirk shuts him up and tells him to suck it up and get the money of his deceased family member already, or he will hack into his files and post his selfies on the internet if he keeps being annoying.

He eats the rest of his cereal and sucks it up that he'll have to talk to the lawyer later in the week.

-

It is now a trip to Houston later in the week, and Dave talks to the lawyer. Nice dude, young and still has that spark of wanting to do good in the world, kinda nice ass too, explains why bro got him.

“So,” the nice lawyer says, “let's talk about what needs to be done in this process." You nod and try to seem like you are actually a functional adult. “Your, uh, brother really just gave everything to you."

You make a face behind your shades and he continues, sensing your distress. “Now, this doesn't include all the sites he, uh worked on,” Oh thank fuck, “All of those are getting managed by other people more knowledgeable about those, so really, you get things like the property and all the money from his various, um, inversions.”

“So I get all the porn money? Nice," which is the first thing you say to the guy since you came here, why ARE you like this. He gives you a weird look.

“So, yeah! Your brother also put in the will that you get everything if you're married before your 25th birthday,” the lawyer says with a smile directed at your 24 year old face.

“Oh motherfuck.”

-

Roxy laughs at you from the couch in the living room after you've told them how your trip to Houston to talk to Mr. Handsome Lawyer went, while you're staring at your takeout box like it has the answers to all your problems, and you're kinda hungry so it has the answers to at least one of them.

You stand up suddenly, food untouched. “So who's gonna take one for the team and marry me for money,” you say loud enough for everyone to hear you.

“Why, my dear cousin, how interesting of you to ask that in a room full people who are related to you," Rose says from the loveseat next to Roxy, and fuck, she's right, there's only her, Roxy, and Dirk in the room.

“Ohhhh, I'll take one for the team alright, come here Davey, let's get married!" Roxy then proceeds to make kissy faces at you and then keeps laughing, the traitor.

“Rox, please stop flirting with him," Dirk says from his spot next to her. “Also, can you get your feet off my lap, I'm trying to eat."

“Bnluh,” Roxy complains, but she does as she's told.

You grab a fistfull of you own hair and think really hard about what to do in despair. "Ugh, come on guys, what do I do? I need to get married like, yesterday."

“Chillax Dave, it's only like, May, you have like more than half a year to find someone to get you to marry you for money you know,” Roxy says, and takes a bite of her takeout before adding, “Also for your personality and stuff."

“Roxy is right Dave, you still have time, and when the marriage imminently fails you can always use your newfound riches to pay for the divorce.” 

“Yeah, Terezi's mom can give you a discount, I'm sure.”

“Fuck off, all of you." You sit down and eat your food.

-  
You're not known for your amazing people skills, so you're not sure what you're thinking, trying to find someone to marry you before December, but like hell you're gonna ask one of your friends to pity marry you. Also, asking one of your friends to marry you is difficult because they're a) your family b) already taken or c) an ocean away.

Fucking Bro making your life difficult even beyond the grave.

So you're just walking around trying to “pick up chicks” as John says, and just generally acting like an asshole.

You enter a cafe, and when you place your order, you ask the girl at the counter to marry you and she laughs in your face and tells you shes taken. You congratulate her and go take a seat to brood and drink overpriced coffee.

Mhhh this is some nice coffee actually, maybe not as overpriced as you initially thought.

You contemplate what you will do next. You need to step up your game, but first you need to actually have game.

You sip from the cup and ok, this is a really good coffee, actually, maybe you will get another one.

You prepare to do the tennous task of actually getting up to get another one when your eyes land on something that you think is very cute.

Are those little candycorn hairpins?

Omg they are, that's so cute.

The someone who is wearing them is also very cute you notice, huh.

So you manage to not look like a creep and actually make your way to the barista who laughed at your shitty marriage proposal and ask for another coffee.

“Only here for the coffee this time?” asks the girl behind the counter, and now that you actually bother to read her name tag you learn that her name is Aradia.

“Nope,” you say. “Just a newfound coffee addiction, damn, you guys serve good coffee, not gonna lie.” You put your elbows on the counter and risk a glance at the mysterious cutie with the hairpins that caught your eye just moments ago.

“I know, right? The manager knows a guy,” Aradia says with a smile and catches you looking. “Ah, if you're gonna try the marriage trick with that one, I will have to ask you to please don't.” Her smile is still present, but now it's like she's looking at you differently.

“Oh shit, that your boyfriend?” you say.

“Oh no, but he's a friend, and i'd like it if he didn't get himself kicked out because he made a scene here for punching you because you tried to prank him," Aradia says with amusement in her tone as she hands you your coffee.

“Hey, it's not a prank if I intend to actually do it you know,” you say and hand over your money.

She widens her eyes, and somehow her smile gets bigger. "Do you?” She gives you your change over the counter.

“I just might," you say with a smile.


	2. When Dave met Karkat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a cute guy in a coffee shop gets approached

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to @squidhouse who helped me edit this and last chapter!! theyre a gift!!

Karkat goes to the coffee shop.

Not just any coffee shop, but _the_ coffee shop. Aradia's coffee shop, to be precise.

It has good coffee, and the place is owned by her family. Even though the place is perfect for hipsters, it seems to never get that many customers a day, which leads Karkat to believe the place is a mafia front, but he will overlook that fact because the coffee is just that good.

Also, Aradia's family is kinda scary but. Details.

He's there right now to help edit one of his friend's novels out of the goodness of his heart (and also money) in his spare time, and the shop is literally the perfect place for that.

It's nice to unwind and just focus on something that doesn't really have to do with work or any kind of social interaction, just how you like it.

He's reading and writing notes, and sometimes taking a bite out of a pastry Aradia sends his way as a bribe to get him to give Sollux a bag of them when he goes back home. He always does, and would do so regardless of any kind of bribe, but the whole ritual is what matters.

It's a Saturday afternoon and everything is perfect to- uuhhh forget it, someone is approaching him, damn it all to FUCK.

He blinks and looks up at the blonde trying to get his attention.

" -irpin.”

“Huh?” Karkat didn't really catch whatever this person was muttering.

The blonde clears his throat. “Uh, I mean, your hairpins are like, mad cute and I just wanted to like, tell you that, y'know.”

Wow, this person is really fucking awkward. Karkat will do the very gracious thing and act civil until he leaves, so he says, ‘Thanks man.' However, instead of leaving, it's like the other dude feeds off the positive reinforcement and proceeds to put his cup on the table and sits next to Karkat, then he promptly starts talking and doesn't stop.

“Oh yeah, I wanted to tell you that, and also how they remind me of this comic I read when I was 14 and how cool it was, there were these little-” and Karkat zones the fuck out.

It's incredible just how fast he got at ease with you, the guy just invited himself over to where you're sitting and just keeps talking about literally nothing.

“Time travel man, its kinda cool but also kinda fucky? The-” he's wearing shades indoors for one thing, looks like a classic hipster but you don't like to judge based on appearances because that's fucking rude, so you stop thinking about how he looks and think about how he just keeps talking a mile a minute and it's incredible how he doesn't call you out for not listening, so either he's a douche or he's just REAL fucking awkward.

“-cane made of some animal penis, a bull I think-” God, why is this happening, how do you make this unhappen. You glance to the counter where Aradia is giving change to a customer and mouth, "help,” at her and she gives you a smile and a shrug like, “Real fucking sorry bro, haha just kidding :)” and you glare at her before trying to solve the problem at hand.

“So yeah, anyway, sorry I just said all that bullshit to you, I just kinda forget how to talk in front how cute guys. Oh shit, I mean handsome, you know, like, I don't know if you feel weird getting called cute by another dude, you know-” _What the fuck?_

He keeps tripping over his words and trying to save face, and at this point you're less annoyed at him and more or less amused, because this is the actual worst flirting attempt you have witnessed in your life- and you're friends with a bunch of disasters, so it's pretty hard to top that.

You decide to throw the guy a bone and finally say something to him. "Hey jackass, calm down before you bust a lung from how fast you're talking." 

“Oh, jackass is a pretty cute pet name, I love how close we are becoming,” Jackass says.

“Ugh, I mean that I don't even know your name!” you say and become more annoyed by him by the second.

“Yeah shit, sorry I mean, my name's Dave,” Dave says and squirms in his seat.

“Well, Dave," Dave starts looking less like he's gonna faint from nerves, "my name's Karkat, and to what do I owe you the pleasure of all these things you are saying to me, a total stranger in a coffee shop?”

Dave looks like he's about to bullshit some history right there and now but then seems to think better of it and instead says, "I mean I dunno, I just started talking to you kinda on impulse? You seem interesting, like all focused and working on your laptop and shit, and I wanted to like, get to know you?” He says that like its a question.

Which, yeah, still sounds pretty much like bullshit, but endearing bullshit if you know what I mean.

“Uh huh."

“What, I'm being serious about me acting on impulse, I saw candy corn in your hair and I blacked out, then the next thing I know I'm talking to a cute dude, so, how has your day been?"

“Yeah sure why not, my day has been going good so far, I woke up and my roommate hadn’t gotten the cops to our doorstep yet, had a quiet morning and then came here to read and edit a novel and was having a pretty good time doing so until I got interrupted by you."

“Is your day still going fine?” You see one eyebrow go up behind the shades.

“I don't know, I got called cute a few times since that disruption, and my day still isn't over,” you say with amusement, “Unless you decide to be a dick, I don't see how you can fuck this up."

“Oh, are you daring me to, like, fuck up your day? Or is that your way of saying I'm free to keep keeping you company?" Dave says. "Please let it be the second thing."

“Why can't it be a little bit of both?”

“Oh no, don't dare me, I can and will lose," Dave says in a deadpan tone, but with a little smile on his face.

Just when you start to think that, hey, this guy is not that bad, his phone goes off and interrupts whatever you two were going to say, and he looks like doesn't really wanna answer, but with one look at the screen he swears under his breath.

“Wow I really did spend a lot of time here, I gotta go now, but it was, uh, nice talking to you and shit.” Dave pockets his phone and takes his empty cup.

“Yeah, same, I guess? Will I see you again?” Dave looks at you weirdly. "I mean I haven't seen you come here before." Karkat only stays there Saturdays in the afternoons, but he always passed by after work to say hi to Aradia, so he would know if he saw Dave coming here.

“Oh, it's the first time I've been here actually, it's got pretty good coffee so I'll definitely come here again but uh, here.” He takes a piece of paper and a pen Karkat has on the table, because even when there's a perfectly good working laptop in the table Karkat still likes to take notes physically, and Dave scribbles his name and number on a piece of paper and gives them back to him. “If I end up not finding you around, you can text me or something."

He stands up and prepares to leave. “See you around, Karkat.”

“Yeah, later," you say and watch him leave, but instead of going to the exit he goes to the counter and asks Aradia for another coffee.

After that is done and Dave leaves for real, you can't help but look to Aradia and give her a questioning glance.

Aradia smiles at you and this smile is just like the kind of smile a parent has when they see their kid is making new friends at the playground.

You blush and get your eyes back to your laptop.

You can still feel her smile going your way and think about how much better your life would be if your roommate's girlfriend wasn't scary as shit when shes happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look at that chapter title im so SMART n CLEVER
> 
> i never watched when harry met sally


	3. Grumpy cause you can't find someone to marry you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i had most of this written and then i just forgot abt it but now i have hw to do so i decided WELP TIME TO LOOK AT THAT FIC UR WRITTING AM I RIGHT
> 
> anyway later dudes

You come back home to the sound of miku rapping on full blast, so that means dirk is home.

That's alright and cool with you. You enjoy his presence in your life, but you also enjoy not getting noise complaints from the neighbors and so you gotta tell him to turn that shit down.

“Bro, stop freestyling with miku,” you say, “At this volume the walls are shaking.”

“It's my house, i do what i want.” he responds.

“Fuck you, its me who actually lives here you douchebag, i don't want the only cool lady below to come complain.” she's actually a cool person and you don't want her to think you're some kinda jerk who doesn't care about sound pollution or some shit, also she sometimes gives you food out of some old lady instinct to nurture the young™ and you don't wanna lose your getting doted on privileges by acting like an asshole, "Next time u want to claim to live here at least bother to go to the monthly meetings."

"Who pays for the place."

Snort "Not you."

"Got me there, alright I'll turn it down, damn." he does just that, "Grumpy cause you can't find someone to marry you?"

Hah very funny, you feel that joke getting old like 3 days ago, "Actually everything's going VERY well on that front thank you very fucking much." except not really and everything is not going well, but it's OK you have time, you are drowning in time, you have so much of it its like you are made of the stuff, the time master is y-

"Really." dirk says, and is that disbelief you hear in his tone? it's not because he so believes what you just told him, he believes you 100% like the good young child he is, respecting his elders,"Because Mr hot lawyer sent you an email concerning your still unmarried status." he smirks.

"Ugh stop playing secretary and looking through my stuff i can do that myself."

"You know very well you can't." he said, "Also, you still have a couple commissions that you have to send and a couple other srs bzns Shit to take care of "

"Alright thanks I guess." he said, "but what did the law guy want. "

"Oh you know the usual help on the whole dead parent 101 and also a few flash dating meetings you could use." 

"Oh did he really?"

You check your email.

Alright he did really do that, cool.

You bookmark the mail and dirk looks discreetly the other way so u don't lose all your dignity.

"Alright cool thanks I'm gonna talk to my friends so stop looking through my shit and go do your homework or whatever it is kids your age do." you say real fast and abscond to the kitchen before Dirk stops saying, "What friends?"

something or other i dont fucking kn o w (FUCK IT THIS PART STAYS )

You get out your phone and open the pesterchum app to see if anyone out of your long contact list of all of 3 of your friends is online (you're not counting the strilondes).

And hey look at that, seems like you have time to blow if egbert is online. nice.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  ectoBiologist [EB]

TG: john  
TG: john  
TG: john  
EB: hey dave!!  
TG: joh  
TG: oh hey youre there nice  
TG: dirk keeps nagging at me  
TG: so i need advice from the only guy i know who has a significant other in his life  
TG: you lady killer grrrr  
EB: oh my god shut uuupp!  
EB: im not dating your sister!  
EB: so what do you want?  
TG: ok but you want to  
TG: also not my real sister but whatevs  
EB: :B  
TG: aight so  
TG: u know about bro being dead right  
EB: sorry for your loss? except not really because he was an asshole, so i guess about time?  
TG: yeah dude bout fucking time  
TG: aight so he kicked the bucket and left all the porn money to me  
TG: which ew  
TG: but also its money so who tf cares  
TG: but there a catch ovbs cuz hes bro so of course there is  
TG: i have to be married before my birthday to get the money  
EB: wow he really didn't wanna give you shit then.  
EB: no offence but you're not exactly husband materia!  
TG: wow fuck you  
EB: what, its true!  
TG: w/e anyone would kill to fling themselves into a church with me  
TG:get all matrimonial up in there  
EB: alright im stopping you there.  
EB: what did you want to ask?  
TG: ugh fine  
TG: do you wanna get hitched y/n  
EB: s i g h.  
EB: maybe you should just start dating people?  
TG: cmon man do me a solid  
TG: when have i ever asked of you anything before  
TG:dont answer that  
EB: actually.  
TG: shhhh  
TG: dont say shit  
EB: oh i know!  
EB: maybe you should get one of those dating apps!  
TG:john omg no  
TG: egbert  
TG: stop  
TG: don't type anything more  
EB: hehehe.  
EB: i just realized, this sounds like some kind of movie situation!  
EB: like you're the hero and you go through wacky shenanigans and meet a bunch of ragtag group of characters until you meet the heroine who turns out to be your soulmate!  
EB: isn't that exciting??  
TG: stop saying shit like that or it might become reality via bullshit karma magyics or something

You shot the shit for a bit more until you realize you're running circles and getting nowhere talking to John so u start freestyling in his chat window until he has enough and blocks you so you don't actually have to end the conversation, he knows you do this and has decided not to call you out on your bullshit because he respects you, and also its easier, years of friendship do that, what's some friendly blocking each other on pesterchum every once in a while between friends? between bros? between almost soulmates who apparently won't marry each other even if it's for a good cause (money)?

…

You really gotta get on with that.

Maybe john has a poin- oh jades online nice gotta ask her to marry you.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  gardenGnostic [GG]

TG: yo jade i have a question  
GG: no!!!  
TG: u wanna g  
TG: goddamnit  
TG: was it john  
GG: wouldnt you like to know ;D  
TG: damn then what do you propose  
GG: hehe propose lol  
GG: i think you should just try to take this opportunity to meet people!  
GG: expand your horizons! go to parties, meet new friends…. have some fun!!  
GG: maybe find love on the way :O!  
TG: john told you  
GG: nobody told me actually :B  
GG: i just had a feeling you were gonna ask you know?  
GG: also i love you very dearly dave but we just couldn't work well in that way!!  
GG: youre kinda way too needy for me XB  
TG: damn is it tell dave the uncomfy truth day or what  
GG: aw come on I didnt mean to make u feel bad! :c :c  
TG: really  
GG: not really but i did mean the part where you suck it up and meet some new people!!  
GG: go new places! make some of those mistakes you make when youre young!!  
TG: im 24  
GG: and how young that is!!  
GG: stop being a baby about it im not gonna hold your hand through everything!!  
GG: youre still young enough to not feel back pain and old enough that you dont need a parents permission for things!  
TG: i mean  
GG: sshhh!!!  
GG: im imparting wisdom!!  
TG: alright time to listen to the girl that lives in the middle of buttfuck nowhere for tips on how to live life  
GG: exactly :B  
GG: so you gotta take notes  
TG: pencil and paper ready ms harley  
GG: good!  
GG: you should go to a club a find someone  
TG: aight im gonna head out  
GG: you get back here! my plan is flawless!  
TG: i dont like to break my whole cool dude persona but i dont know if you have noticed but im kinda a nerd  
GG: yes dave i know  
TG: then why the fuck are you asking so much of me  
GG: because dave  
GG: theres a second part of the plan  
TG. yeah then lets hear it  
GG: suck it up!!

gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]


End file.
